Ryan's Rant (Volume 1, Episode 1)

(*Ryan's Rant may contain obscene language or topics)


Holy crap, if I have to watch those goddamn stupid Cialis commercials on TV anymore, I’m pretty sure I’m going to need a brain transplant ‘cause I’m going to blow mine out.

Now, don’t get me wrong, if my junk didn’t work, I’m sure I would do just about anything to change that. I feel those unlucky S.O.B.’s, thank whoever that it’s them and not me. That notwithstanding, I personally would like to wish a healthy bout of ED on the Cialis advertising executives who OK’d those TV ads.

Do you know how long you’d have to be screwing to have your lawn flood like that? This should be an ad for Astroglide, not Cialis. How raw would your yang be? Do you think she’d still be into it after, let’s say, 24 HOURS or so? Pretty sure she’d be wishing for you to already stop relentlessly banging her cervix. Don’t believe me? Try it out at home, get a small, garden variety rainbow-style lawn sprinkler and just let it run, and tell me how long it takes to flood your lawn. I’m betting 24 hours is a goddamn conservative estimate. Plus, I hope she’s a tiger in bed ‘cause she apparently can’t cook to save her life, and I’m pretty sure she’s got some mental thing to also let the goddamn tub run at the same time she’s cooking a turkey and sliding down your pole. Let’s see, she put the turkey in the oven and then started running a tub. How much water would be in your fucking basement by the time that poor dumb ass bird turned a nice charred black? Wow, way to keep it semi believable.

I would probably be less critical of these douchebags if I didn’t have to watch their god awful commercials 60 goddamn times a day! C’mon, really? 8 times during a hockey game? You guys are really pissing me off!

The next super believable commercial shows us a couple who apparently have gone missing for 4 days, but instead have been shacked up in their own home screwing each others brains out with the husbands Cialis-powered mega-weinie. 4 days, huh? Way to go police! I hope that the wait time for the police to break down my door in an emergency will be waaaay shorter than that. The thing that really gets me about this douchey ad is that the Trisha Takanawa-esque reporter comes on the TV and says, “Late breaking news. For the fourth day in a row our top story continues to be..”. That is the goddamn stupidest sentence I’ve have ever fucking heard. Think about it, just for a second. Done? OK, what’s wrong with it? Wrong-o fuck-o, the problem is how could it possibly be a late breaking story, for the FOURTH DAY IN A ROW? Where did this bitch come from, CKSA? Thanks for the inappropriate cliché you useless hosebeast.

So you’re telling me I can’t own an American satellite system in Canada, but I get to watch these gems of American advertising? Over, and over, and over… Way to go CRTC, I’m glad you are fighting for us! No wait, I mean ED on you too!


R.

(*Editor's Note: The first commercial that Ryan talks about can be viewed HERE).